After celebrating his 70th birthday yesterday, news has broke that Mick Jagger may be much older than he lets on to be. An unnamed man has come forward to prove of Jagger’s real age. This man, who wished to remain anonymous, sat down with So So Active exclusively to detail the long history of Mick Jagger’s life; all 250 years of it.
So So: Thank you for choosing us to give your interview!
Man: No problem. I would’ve chosen MTV or Rolling Stone but they thought I was Crazy. Ironic, isn’t it? Let’s move forward.
S: Ok, so you say that Mick Jagger is 250 years old. Why haven’t you come out sooner?
M: I tried but the forces that be prevented me to.
S: What does that mean?
M: (Nervous) Forget I ever said that. Anyway, Jagger was born in June of 1763. To be exact it was a Tuesday but I can’t remember the actual day. He tells everyone that he was born in July of 1943. It’s just not true.
S: Do you have proof?
M: Of course I do. I also have pictures.
S: Show them to me afterward. Ok, so he was born in England in 1763. What was his childhood like?
M: He was a happy baby. Whenever he would start crying, his parents would take him on a horse carriage ride. When he grew to be twenty, he got married to his first wife; his first of fifty.
S: What was her name?
M: Her name was Tabitha. He met her right before traveling to America. The Revolution had just ended and he wanted to see if he could start a new life. However, he wasn’t welcome.
S: What happened?
M: Most people don’t know this but the ignorance of most people today was present in people hundreds of years ago. They shunned Mick for being British and he wasn’t allowed in certain places. He would have stone lodged at him. It got so bad he had to travel back to England. He was in America for a year before moving back.
S: That’s terrible.
M: He vowed to never go to America again. When he arrived back to England, he met back with Tabitha and soon married her. They were happy but they could come to an agreement of how many children they wanted. She wanted two, he wanted zero, but they loved each other very much.
S: Did they eventually have a baby?
M: Tabitha died from a strain of the Bubonic Plague when Jagger turned 27. He was devastated. That’s when he –
S: Sold his soul to the devil?
M: No, oh god no!
S: My apologies.
M: No problem, but you aren’t too far off.
S: Please, tell me more.
M: He met an American woman begging on the streets of London. He was struck with such empathy and stopped to give her a pound. But just as he threw her the pound, she grabbed his wrist and looked directly into his eye. She told him something like, “Your heart is filled with pain and you want her back. I can grant you that wish,” or something like that. She said some Latin and disappeared, vanished into thin air. Never saw that women ever again. Mick then went on his way.
S: Did Tabitha come back?
M: Of course not! That’s ridiculous!
S: What did that have to do with the story you’re telling me?
M: Any who, moving on. At thirty he found La Fantana Di Yute or the fountain of youth.
S: That exists?
M: Not anymore. He wasted it all. He would drink the water once every year to retain his youth. He would drink a glass a year. As the years went by, he facial features stood the same. He even witnessed a Jack The Ripper killing. But he refused to say anything. He didn’t want anyone to come after him. He managed to skip the World War I draft but wasn’t so lucky years later. He was drafted to fight alongside the allies in World War II. There he started writing music to pass the time. In 1969, just before the release of Let It Bleed, he drunk from the very last of the fountain of youth. Since then, he’s been aging as though he was born in the 40s.
S: May I ask you how you know all of this?
M: I cannot disclose my sources.
At this point of the interview a cloud of smoke billowed in front of me and the man was gone except the bat fluttering trying to escape the room. Happy 250th birthday Mick Jagger.