You’re not too old! Okay, maybe you are, according to society, but who cares? It’s time that we, as a nation, break free from the shackles of oppression and make trick-or-treating an acceptable activity for Halloween enthusiasts of all ages. If I want to dress up as Han Solo and demand that my neighbors give me free candy then that’s my right as an American!
I grew up in a small, rural community where we had two things in abundance, boredom and corn. Put the two together and you’ve got corning! Fill up a bag with dried corn – wet corn will absolutely not work – put on some dark clothes, and pelt peoples’ houses with handfuls of maize! If all goes according to plan they’ll come out and chase you, and a good time is had by all. Like I said, we were very, very bored in my hometown.
Think of alcohol as the “treat” you replace candy with once you reach adulthood. The “trick” comes the morning after when you wake up in a strange bed with a headache that could kill a moose. You probably won’t get your booze for free – unless you’re a hot girl in a slutty outfit – but your puking rally at the end of the night will arouse feelings of nostalgia, just like when you were a kid and you scarfed down a whole bag of candy in one sitting.
Bars can be expensive. If you’re low on funds you might want to consider throwing your own Halloween party. You can easily decorate your apartment on a budget of ten to fifteen bucks if you know where to shop. Your local Dollar Store or Goodwill is a good place to start. Buy some cheap booze, a 2-liter bottle of Sprite, some Kool-Aid mix, and throw them all together in a punch bowl. Charge your friends five bucks for a Solo Cup and, if you get enough people together, you might actually make some money this Halloween, and have a good time doing it!
Horror Movie Marathon
A good horror movie is like an exciting roller coaster ride. It releases that adrenaline rush associated with fear, danger, and excitement, while at the same time allowing you to rest assured, knowing that you’re relatively safe. There’s never a wrong time to enjoy a good scary movie, but Halloween has the almost magical ability to intensify the experience. So while the moon is full and the air is crisp, invite some friends over and try to make it through as many horror flicks as you can before peeing your pants.
Head to a haunted location
Prove your manliness – or womanliness – and head to a creepy location with a haunted history. You shouldn’t have to look far. Every town in America has one (Ghost Hunters heads to a different one every week). Find your town’s own personal murder house or abandoned hospital and – if legal – spend as much time inside as you possibly can. If you happen to see a ghost, be nice to it. Everybody’s always screaming and running when they see a ghost, no wonder they’re such jerks.
Make your own costume
Making your own costume is half the fun of Halloween. Seriously, you don’t buy a Jack-O-Lantern pre-carved, so why would you spend your hard earned money on a poorly made Jack Sparrow costume. You know you’re going to wear it once and then throw it away, right? Plus, buying your costume greatly increases the chances of running into somebody with the exact same costume, and nobody wants to go through that embarrassing experience. Last year I taped a bunch of safety scissors to my hands and went as Edward Safety Scissors Hands. Guess how many people I ran into with that costume on, zero.
Take Your Dog Trick-or-Treating
All right, this isn’t something I’m proud of, but one Halloween – while I was single – I dressed my dog up and took him trick-or-treating. I lived in an apartment complex and I was well aware of where all the hot girls lived (yes, I know how creepy that sounds) so I dressed my canine companion up like a pirate and walked him to all their doors. Was it a shallow attempt to meet girls? Absolutely, but about ninety-nine percent of all things men do falls into that category. This isn’t just a trick for men, by the way. Women can do this too. It’s a great icebreaker and everybody loves dogs, unless you’re a cat person, and then I don’t want to know you.
This isn’t a real thing – as far as I know – but it’s what my friends and I are doing this year. Here’s what you do, grab some friends and some paintball guns – you can pick up some relatively cheap ones at Wal-Mart. Then, split into two teams, Slashers and Slashees. The Slashers dress up as their favorite movie murderer (I’m going as Michael Myers) and the Slashees dress up as unsuspecting coeds. Head to a quiet location – preferably a wooded area – and while the Slashees are enjoying a lovely campfire party, the Slashers emerge and attempt to take them out one by one.
Mess with Kids
People often forget about the “trick” in trick-or-treat. Just because some snot nosed little brat, dressed like Harry Potter, bangs on my door and demands free candy doesn’t mean I have to give it away willingly. Scare those little twerps by hiding behind a bush or jumping out of a tree. Whatever the case, make ‘em work for their candy!